Stained Glass Masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart
excerpt from "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns

I think it happens more than we think... expectations blown away by the truth that was hidden away for so long. People hiding their pain or their secret sins so they can look the part of the happy well-adjusted Christian. I know I did it. I hid the struggles and pain in my life from everyone, even my closest friends. Because it never looked like they had problems. It never looked they doubted. It never looked that way because they hid their fears and pain away every bit as much as I did.

My pastor today talked about a lot of adjustments that will need to be made at my church as we move forward. Lots of stuff is happening. Good stuff. Kingdom stuff. And just as much bad too. As Kurt said ... Its a war ... and the enemy will use anything, any hook in our heart to bring us down.

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be
Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay
excerpt from "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns

At a shepherd's team meeting a couple of weeks ago, one of the church leaders talked about transparency - in our schedules, our finances, our lives. Without that, the hooks go into our hearts and the shame and deception drive them deeper still. That kind of transparency ... accountability ... is good. Its hard too. But its necessary. That's the importance of fellowship. That's the result of being authentic. Not perfect, just real.

Because without it, the fear wins and masquerade goes on...

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
excerpt from "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns

Something Heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Something Heavenly
excerpt from Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real

It feels like things are changing. Not sure what. Last week at church our pastor talked about changes that will be coming in the next year ... a college church plant, needs for more leaders, possibly another Sunday service. This week we will hear more about what exactly that means. All this stuff will take more work, more time, more of everything.

Its all exciting stuff, good stuff. But its also a lot of stuff and well, for the most part its still relatively unknown. The leadership is planning, but other than the vision and plan there isn't a lot to share just yet. Ummm, sounds like chaos to me.

You know I don't like chaos. I'm an engineer...I like neat. I like orderly. I like scheduled. I like known.

But all of this is unknown, and to me that can be a little scary. There's been no impact analysis. There haven't been focus groups and surveys. And I'm guessing we'll have to rebaseline just about everything (engineers don't like rebaselining! It messes up the milestones ;o)

But, if I'm honest and truthful (and I find it best to be that way), its exciting. Even the unknown parts only have me curious, but not freaking out. I feel like I'm in a wait and see mode to discover what to do next. Its a time right now to seek God .. to be in His word and in prayer for all the concerns that are going on at church, whether its the pastor's missionary trip to Africa, or my friend's knee that is on the verge of giving out for good.

So while I'm waiting, I'm not inactive. I'm busy readying myself, spiritually speaking. So in the midst of all this change, there is this God-peace, because as I get to know Him more and more, I trust him more and more.

Something is changing.

Maybe its me.
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What Road Are You On?

I recently returned from Faithwalkers 2008. The theme this year was Totally Committed. For those of you who stumbled across this blog and aren't in a Great Commission church, Faithwalkers is an annual conference held in December. Its 4 days of worshipping God through music and listening to phenomenal teachings from some of the most wise, authentic and humble Christian men and women I have ever met. Its a mountain top experience to end one year and begin a new one.

Because we had to drive around 6 hours each way, I started thinking about journeys and roads and where they lead. I said in a previous post I am inspired by song lyrics (2009 might just be the year of the song lyric blog. I don't know yet, but it is shaping up to be that way.) There are a lot of songs out there about roads: On The Road Again. Country Roads (Take me Home). Life is a Highway (maybe that's a lyric and not a title) - Sorry I should clarify - I'm inspired by music, not a music aficionado. Most of the time I don't know who sings a song or what year it came out. I can't always tell the difference between Stellar Kart, Disciple or Relient K although I can usually keep Toby Mac straight.

But I do know how hard a song hits me in the head.

At Faithwalkers I heard The Road To Damascus (sung by Jeromy Darling) Here's a snippet:
[down] The road to Damascus
I felt the power of Your hand
And the road through your mercy
Shows me everything I am
And I am Yours

Think about what happened on the road to Damascus - a cruel judgemental Christian killer was transformed into a man who loved Jesus so much he spent the rest of his life teaching everyone about Him.

My own Damascus road of transformation involved a divorce and another subsequent legal battle. I wanted God to be there but I also thought I knew how He should show up - how it should look and how He would vindicate me. Guess what - it didn't happen that way. I still got divorced. I won the legal battle only because legally the judge's hands were tied (that's the words on the brief from the judge's own hand).

That's not really what I wanted to hear.

I was the good one. I was the Christian.

But on that road the scales came off of my eyes in a sense - I saw my judgemental side, my arrogance, my hardness. My Christian walk wasn't authentic, it was filled with checklists and rules, not the love of Christ. I had the heart of a Pharisee, and Jesus Christ took me down a a long and winding road, rocky and harsh at times, that ultimately led to freedom. Because when our hearts are hard and crusty, it takes some force to break them.

In Neil Anderson's Victory Over the Darkness, he talks about "who you are in Christ" - accepted, secure, significant. That's what we want, what we need. But at the start of the road, you don't feel that way. You might feel over confident, proud, secure in yourself but not in God, or secure in the god you create because that's how you want him to be, but not secure in the truth that no matter what the circumstances look like, you are loved by the Almighty (if you don't believe it check out Romans 8:38-39). When you see "everything you are", you get stuck on whats wrong. I think that's why I love the last line of Jeromy's song so much.

I am Yours.


See if I just see everything I am, its not pretty because I see with my own eyes - overly smug or overly critical. Neither of those attitudes are right. But what God sees is His kid - His more-than-slightly-imperfect, battered & bruised, but shining in the sun little girl. And He loves me, warts and all.

I am His.

Its been over 8 years since I started down my Damascus road. Maybe you are on one now - at the beginning, in the middle, or (Praise God) nearing the end. No matter where you are in your travels, always remember God is with you.

Roads take us places.

Journeys change us.

Where will your 2009 journey take you?

What road are you on?
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True Story

I am a storyteller
Quite brilliant if I do say so
I tell them tales they want to hear
And they believe it's me they know
But you know better
Chorus:
You see my imperfections
Still you say I'm a masterpiece
A marvelous reflection
The image of Yourself in me
You paint with strokes of grace
Undoing my disguise
You say beauty lies
in the true story
excerpt from True Story by Ginny Owens (from the album Something More)

We all tell stories. Sometimes we tell them so often we believe them - good or bad. Not all of them are true, even if we have come to think they are.

I once wrote a monologue and performed it at church. It was called The Real Me. It wasn't extremely flattering, but it was how I viewed myself and how I thought others viewed me. I was terribly afraid that when all the skeletons fell out of the closet, those people who once were my friends wouldn't be any more. That's how I look at the things I did BC (before Christ) and unfortunately several things that happened after I accepted Jesus as my savior. I had a judgmental streak a mile wide (through the grace of God its down to maybe a quarter mile wide now) and I thought I would be shunned if people "knew". Because that's what Christians do right - they shun you if you're not like them.

How wrong I was. I've met so many broken people who have been healed through God's strokes of grace. And now they share their experiences - actually tell others of their shortcomings and failures. And what an encouragement it is.

Because we don't have to be perfect. We don't have to be do-it-all, know-it-all supermoms (or super dads, or super friends)

We don't even have to be super Christians.

We have to be authentic.

We have to be true.

Because our whole life is a story. The trials we have help us grow (if we handle them right) but they can also help others overcome their struggles. God takes us places we don't want to go to teach us things we need to know. And to share what we've learned with others so they know they aren't going it along.

Because my whole life is a story ...
Of where I've been
And where you've brought me to
Of who I am
All because of you
excerpt from True Story by Ginny Owens (from the album Something More)

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The Reason for The Season

Isaiah 9:6

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called Wonderful Counselor,
Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.


Wishing you and yours a Blessed Holiday Season

Because you had a bad day ...

excerpt from Bad Day
by The Chipmunks

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day

Have I ever told you how inspiring song lyrics are to me? Seems like most of the times I get inspired (or whopped on the head) through song lyrics. I have music on a lot at work and in the car so its a nice convenient way for God to get through to me. This bad day however wasn't mine, but this song that my youngest listens to made me think of it.

I got a call from a friend recently and she said "If you have anything you're mad at me about or I'm doing wrong just tell me now ... this has been the worst day ever and I just want to get it out of the way all at once"

Wow, what an opening line to a phone call - this came after my "hello". A different me - the one before Christ started working on my heart - might have taken that opportunity to vent, to let loose on any and all minor irritations that could have happened in my dealings with her. Because you know they are there. Whenever we deal with people who don't meet our expectations or ideals (and lets face it, who does?), there is bound to be something that rubs us wrong. And wouldn't you just relish the opportunity to have carte blanche to categorically let fly on all of them!

Yeah, neither would I. My first thought was "I could never do that - kick you when you're down." I'm sure there was something sometime the ticked me off - most likely because that was my turn to have a bad day and anything that wasn't in line with my view of the world would tick me off.

But God calls us higher. I heard at church during our testimony time a lesson another dear sister has learned. She now asks herself "what does the law of love require from me?" when faced with ... anything. You see all of our actions and reactions are a choice. We can choose to respond out of hurt or fear or past lies influencing our behavior. OR we can choose the Law of Love.

I've said before I'm a rules of engagement kind of person. So I like rules ... laws are better because they are set in stone. But the Law of Love, while firm and fixed is also flexible - it bends to forgive, and it breaks to reach out to others - not breaking the law but breaking the hearts that keep it. For without breaking hearts, without breaking strongholds without breaking chains that bind us to the past, we limit the Law of Love. But when what holds us in the past is broken by (Christ's) Love, that same love, and what we can accomplish through it, is unlimited.

As we look forward to a new year, let us break the chains of the past, and embrace Christ's love ... asking ourselves each day, each hour, each minute ... What does the Law of Love require from me?

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On Perspective

One thing that we wanted when this blog was started was to share what God's been teaching us. We welcome stories of personal encounters with the Almighty. Its such an encouragement to hear how God meets us where we are and brings us where He wants us.

One thing I've learned recently is about perspective. A coworker of mine always says "the urgency changes depending on which side of the gallows you're on". My what a statement on perspective! The view changes doesn't it. And so often our view is downward, stuck on the circumstances and unable to look beyond what has a grip on us.

I find myself in that hole far more often than I'd like to be. Many times I recognize it, jump out and move on. But every once in a while I lose my view of God, I lose my heavenly perspective on a situation - maybe because it hits too close to home, maybe because it sends ripples of chaos through my neat and orderly world.

I was wrestling with this recently - feeling an imminent downward spiral. The interesting thing is that earlier in the week I had my review at work and my boss noted that when I don't have a good grip on things I tend to oversimplify or over "complexify" things. I boiled that down to if things are in chaos (no neat orderly world for me) then I will do whatever it takes to get things back in order, and quickly. Whatever it takes, that is, but trust God that its not chaos to Him.

That was my big "ah-ha" moment. I felt like God asked me "Do you trust Me to have a handle on it, even if you don't know where its going?". I have to say in that moment my immediate answer was "no" and I was convicted on that. So God's been showing that I need to trust Him because I am not always (maybe even often) going to know how things fit in the big picture.

That's hard for me. I'm a "rules of engagement" kind of gal. That gets me into trouble with legalistic thinking quite often, and I am beginning to understand better now why that is. My perspective is wrong. I'm looking at the pieces of circumstances or situations and trying to make them all fit and formulate an action plan and then execute it, without really knowing God's perspective. Lets be honest, sometimes without even seeking Gods perspective.

But God's been showing me I need to trust Him in more than I have before, because He is taking me into uncharted territory and He is the light that will show the way. And when traversing the unknown, you can't formulate an action plan more than a step or two ahead. So I'll trust Him to supply the next step and not worry about the one after that. It may be a long and harrowing journey, but if I'm going to trust God, I need to trust Him for everything, not just the little bits I let go of.

So that's what God has been teaching me in the last week or so. What's He been teaching you?

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